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2012 Goals

At the end of last year, I set a few goals for myself for 2012. The ones that are crossed out are the ones I have accomplished. I’d say I had a pretty decent year when looking back on it.

1. Graduate.
2. Find a job.
3. Keep that job.
4. Volunteer at the animal shelter.
5. Spend as much time as I can with my best friends.(wish I spent more time but I’m happy with what I got)
6. Get back on track at the gym.
7. Go to at least one show.
8. Feel true happiness once again.(Still working on it but I can say that I’m finally getting there)
9. Read as many books as I can.
10. Help my mom pay the bills. (I’ve concluded that I shouldn’t be the mother of this family when I am the youngest and everyone is more than capable of being on their own)
11. Make new friends.
12. Reconnect with old friends.
13. Become more positive about life. (I’m getting there, also)
14. Get my permit/license. (I’m just a slacker, no excuse here)
15. Stay as active as possible to keep from being bored.

11/15 goals achieved.
Just received my High School Diploma tonight. I literally never though that this moment would come. I had such low expectations for myself my whole life and tonight, I proved myself wrong. Just looking at it brings a tear to my eye because I’ve overcome so many things through my school and personal life. I can finally say that I’m proud of myself and that’s the greatest feeling ever.
Deleted my Twitter,

because I have come to the conclusion that I really don’t give a fuck about anyone enough to want to see what they are updating their twitter about. The only person I really care about is my family and best friend. I’m even starting to give up on Zero. I never thought I would want to end it with someone because they are too happy all the time. Being happy is much deeper than being in a good mood all the time though. Sometimes I wish he felt pain so he knew what I am going through, but he never will. I hate the feeling that I want him more than he wants me. I love him more than he loves me. I just really want something more serious than what we have now and he said that it just can’t happen. We’ve been “together” for over a year now and it’s just not going anywhere, and frankly, I’m tired of it.

On another note, whenever someone tells me something to me I’m like, “Okay good for you”, “That sucks”, and “I’m happy for you.” All sarcastic asshole remarks because I don’t care about any human life. I don’t even care about my own at this point. I’m probably like that though because I never get respect from people I try to talk to so why should I give them respect. The get what they give. I’ve kicked almost all of my “friends” out of my life because none of them were ever real. I couldn’t see myself still being friends with them years from now. I do better by myself than having people piss me off because I don’t like them anyways. Yeah, it’s good to have company, but when that company pisses you off more than makes you happy, you have to get rid of them. That’s my motto anyways.

I’m giving up on everyone and everything. After graduation I’m probably not going to college because there’s no way I’m going to be able to afford it and I really don’t want to be in debt my whole life. I guess I’ll just follow in my mother’s footsteps and because a lonely old woman with no life, no job, nothing. 
I haven’t cried this hard in a long time.

How could you just tell me something like this and then hang up ? How could you leave me when you know I’m crying. How can you tell me that you’re leaving the country for a couple months just a few weeks before you actually leave. We never see each other and now I’m going to have no contact with you at all ? You’re going to miss my graduation, the biggest accomplishment to date. My birthday. What am I supposed to do with myself for a couple months not knowing how you’re doing. Not knowing if you’re okay.

This summer is going to be the worst.
See, I would do this if he delivered any true emotion other than happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that he is always full of energy and can light up a room but, I wish I knew what he really feels. What he hides. He says that feeling angry or sad is a waste of time but I know that he must feel it. Of these two years of knowing him and a year of being with him I’ve only seen him cry once. Well, I was on the phone with him. He only cried because I was crying and knew that our relationship was in jeopardy. I know that there is more inside him that he doesn’t show and I WISH he would bring it out. I want to know all of him, inside and out. He needs to get rid of that masculine mentality and let out his emotions. He needs to understand that it’s not going to make him weak. It’s not going to make him less than a man. It’ll make him more of a man to me than he thinks.
I’m now fully quitting gelatin.

I used to cheat on it once and a while. Sometimes I’d eat a frosted Pop-tart or maybe a Rice Krispy Treat here and there but now I’ve decided to fully cut it out of my diet. I’ve just started feeling guilty for eating it because I am a vegetarian and I vowed to myself that I would not eat any product from an animal that is either dead or was killed. I would like to try going vegan some time in my life but I don’t know enough about it to start now.

A part of me wants to keep pushing him away, but another part is scared of what will happen once I do “/.
Do you love puppies?

I just created a blog dedicated to puppies and dogs of all kinds. Might take submits but I’m still not sure. It would help a lot if people reblogged my post (:

http://livingdapuglife.tumblr.com
Tattoos that I’ve been thinking about these past few weeks:

  • A bow on my upper forearm.
  • A little girl letting go on balloons. (Location TBD)
  • Deathbat with a sailors hat on it. (Possibly on my other forearm or between my shoulder blades)
  • “One step closer” on my foot.
My perfect day will consist of the following:
  • My two best friends: Tawny and Zero (and her boyfriend so we can double date)
  • Puppies (preferably pugs and corgis)
  • Starbucks/Mary Lou’s Coffee

What ever else we decide to do after that doesn’t matter. As long as I have those three things throughout the day, it will be perfect.
I am so pissed.

I had a meeting with my advisor today. Since December they have told me that I’m going to graduate in July. Even up until last week they told me that hasn’t changed. Today, she told me differently. Apparently it’s going to be harder than expected to graduate in July because everyone in my school is a fucking idiot. No one does their work on time or comes to school often so they all need to retake their classes until they pass out of them. A handful of students and I passed out of our classes, but there isn’t enough students to advance into a full class/not enough time in the day to add another class. So now I might be stuck taking the same classes over again because other people want to be fucking slackers. I’m not going through all the same material again because of OTHER PEOPLE’S stupidity. I’m just not. I don’t care if every single one of my classes has to be an independent study, I’m graduating this year. I’m not letting my graduation timeline get set back because of people I could care less about. It’s not fair that I’m being punished for their own mistakes. They do not control my future. I have another meeting on Thursday and I’m going to make my schedule fit so that graduation is still possible. 
I should spend my summer at a fat camp.

I wonder if they have any around here.
I want to visit his grave before I die. I know it will be one of the most emotional events in my life, but I need to do it. I never got to see him shine when he was with us and I know this is the only way I can thank him for everything he’s done for me.
Mah baby and a pug
THEME